Why I stopped exercising

I’ve taken a break from all forms of exercise for the past few months – and, it was possibly the best thing I could have done. My relationship with exercise has, ironically, always been unhealthy.

Whether it’s memories of mandatory cross-country races in junior school, or phys-ed classes in high school – I was always the chubby one, no doubt last in the race or finding a reason to bunk classes. Whether the self-esteem issues were there to start, or came as a result, I’m not sure.

Fast forward to late-high school and early university years, the exercise of my childhood now took the form of gym. Unsurprisingly, no more enjoyable than compulsory phys-ed classes of years before. It was the cliched cycle of signing up for gym contracts, not going, hating myself for not going, cancelling contracts – only to sign up again a few months later, when I could convince myself that “this time would be different“. Sound familiar? I’m sure that my most abusive relationship has been with myself. This went on for a decade. Many gyms. Thousands of Rands. Countless hours spent hating myself.

Do you know what’s more exhausting than any gym session? The self-hatred and guilt you put yourself through forĀ not going.

So, a few months into this year, I decided to stop the cycle. To put an end to the self-inflicted self-hatred. And, you know what? It’s freeing. Completely liberating. Just living – sleeping in, spending evenings doing whatever I choose – free from thoughts of “but, you should be at gym”.Ā It’s been wonderful and it’s given me the chance to change the way I think of exercise.

I’m now ready to start moving again – and I say “moving”, because I will never again join a gym. Glass boxes filled with machines and lyrca don’t motivate me. I spend my days in a glass box with air-conditioning – that’s not how I want to reward my body at the end of a day. And yes, I now want to use exercise to reward my body – not punish it. Whether that means yoga to strengthen and lengthen muscles, running to expand my lungs and get my skin glowing or a cycle along the promenade or walk in the forest just to breathe. To live.

My body’s had enough hatred to see it through many lifetimes – the last person it needs it from is me. Exercise shouldn’t be yet another form of punishment.

So, I want to start moving again. Without fitness trackers, without timing myself – I want to rely onĀ feeling. And, possibly, for the first time in my life –Ā listening. Listening to what my body wants. Letting it recover when it’s tired. Pushing it when I can. Being kind to myself – and, if some nights, that means a hot bath, followed by pyjamas and series in bed – then, that’s what I’ll do. And, I’ll do it with love.

When I start moving, it’ll be because IĀ wantĀ to. Ā Because I want to strengthen my body and allow it to doĀ more.Ā Not because the self-hatred has won.

Maybe, given time, it will learn to love me in return.

Outfit details:Ā ShoesĀ Ā //Ā T-shirtĀ //Ā Bomber jacketĀ //Ā Similar leggingsĀ 

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